Finding a Couples Therapist

What to look for

• Training in couples therapy: licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) and other clinicians with specific couples training.
• Evidence-based approach: such as emotionally focused therapy or integrative behavioral couple therapy.
• Neutrality: both partners should feel heard.
• Practical fit: cost, availability and format.

Online, BetterHelp’s sister service Regain offers subscription couples counseling, and Sesame lets you book individual couples sessions with a therapist you choose.

Questions to ask

• How much of your practice is couples work?
• What approach do you use?
• How do you handle sessions if one of us feels unsafe?

Safety first

If there is abuse or coercive control, couples therapy may not be appropriate. Seek individual support first.

Learn more about couples therapy or compare couples therapy options.

When to look for a couples therapist

Many couples wait until problems feel unfixable, but earlier help tends to work better. It’s worth looking when you keep having the same arguments, feel distant or disconnected, are struggling after a breach of trust, face a major change such as a baby, move or illness, or one of you is considering leaving. Premarital counseling can also help couples build skills at the start. You don’t both have to agree that the relationship is in crisis; a willingness to try is enough to begin.

Credentials and training

Couples work is a specialty. Marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) are trained specifically in relationship systems, and psychologists, clinical social workers and counselors may also have couples training. Ask where the therapist trained in couples work, which approach they use, such as emotionally focused therapy (EFT), the Gottman method or integrative behavioral couples therapy, and how much of their caseload involves couples. For background on approaches, see couples therapy.

Where to search

• Insurance directories, although many plans cover couples therapy only when linked to a diagnosis for one partner, so check.
• Professional directories for marriage and family therapists and psychologists.
• Referrals from a doctor, a friend or a faith or community organization you trust.
• Online services, such as the couples program offered through BetterHelp’s sister service Regain, or per-session online couples therapy on Sesame. See our reviews of BetterHelp and Sesame.
• Community and employer programs, which sometimes offer reduced-fee relationship counseling.

What it costs

Fees vary by region, therapist and format. Private practices often charge more than individual therapy, and sessions can be longer. Online options include subscription models and per-session pricing. Many insurers cover couples therapy only in limited circumstances, so ask before you start, and ask therapists about sliding scales and superbills. For wider cost strategies, see affordable mental health care.

Questions to ask in a consultation

• How do you work with couples, and what approach do you use?
• How do you handle individual sessions and information shared in them?
• What are your fees, session length and cancellation policy?
• How do you work with issues such as infidelity, sex, parenting or differences in values?
• How will we know if we’re making progress?
• Do you offer online sessions?

Judging fit

After a few sessions, ask yourselves whether you both feel heard, whether the therapist is balanced rather than taking sides, whether you understand the plan and whether small shifts are happening. Not feeling better right away is normal, because surfacing hard topics can feel worse before it feels better. If either of you consistently feels unheard or unsafe, it’s reasonable to raise it or look for another therapist.

Safety and when to seek individual support first

Joint therapy is generally not recommended when there is abuse, coercion or fear of a partner. A therapist trained in domestic violence will screen for this and may recommend individual support first. If you’re afraid, contact a domestic violence service or emergency services, and see Get Help Now. Individual therapy can also help when one partner is struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma or substance use; see depression and anxiety. To compare services, see our guide to the best couples therapy options.

Making the most of therapy once you’ve started

Therapy tends to work better when both partners prepare. Agree on goals together, such as arguing less, rebuilding trust or feeling closer, and revisit them every few weeks. Be honest and curious in sessions, rather than trying to win. Practice the skills you learn between sessions, like taking breaks during arguments or sharing appreciations. Keep appointments, even when the week has been hard, because consistency matters. If one partner is reluctant, begin with what they’re willing to try, and consider whether an individual session each might help. Our guide to relationships and article on setting healthy boundaries offer further tools between sessions.

Timing, frequency and what progress looks like

Most couples start with weekly or fortnightly sessions, then space them out as things improve. Ask your therapist how long they expect the work to take and how you’ll review it. Early signs of progress include arguments that end sooner, an easier time repairing afterwards, more curiosity about each other’s point of view and small moments of warmth returning. Setbacks are normal, and a therapist can help you learn from them rather than treat them as failure.